Spiderman 3: Oh, how I wish I could unsee this movie.
Possible spoilers follow.
Kirsten Dunst was merely so-so in the first movie, a vague background annoyance in the second movie, and the worst thing ever in this movie except for Tobey Maguire and his extra chin. That chin should have received second billing. But Kirsten Dunst has two expressions in this movie: "Silly schoolgirl" and "stricken." THAT'S IT. I can't act for beans, but even I could manage to portray two entire moods for 2-1/2 hours. I might even be able to do it for an entire day. Now I'm tempted to try! People will ask, "What is wrong with you?" and, stricken, I will tell them, "I've got a bad case of the Dunst." Or perhaps I'll give them silly schoolgirl and giggle, "Dunst! I've come down with the Dunst, can you believe it?"
There is singing and dancing in this movie. I like singing and dancing. I like Spiderman. I like garlic. I like peanut butter. BUT NOT TOGETHER.
There is Topher Grace in this movie. Would someone who has some authority on the subject please sit me down and tell me whether Topher Grace can act or not? Because I have no idea. I think he makes a good bad guy, but I'm worried that I only think that because every time I see his face on screen I yearn to kick it. Does it count as being a good movie villain if the sole reason everyone hates you is your highly kickable face? "Starring Topher Grace's face"--that would tell me all I'd need to know.
The most human character in the movie is made of magic sand. I love Thomas Haden Church. I have loved him since he was Lowell on Wings, also known as "the only reason I watched Wings, so shut up." I also love comic book physics.
In the first two movies I thought, "James Franco is playing this for camp, like he's on a soap opera. Knock it off, Franco." Now, I just think he was ahead of the curve. He knew where this was going to end up and he made sure to get there first.
Everyone in this movie acts like they're auditioning for the original version of Melrose Place--the one before Heather Locklear, back when the producers still thought everyone would tune in weekly to see Andrew Shue and Courtney Thorne-Smith deliberate endlessly over whether fucking each other would ruin their friendship. I remember thinking, "You have the most boring friendship ever! Just fuck already!"
Everyone has an opinion about Peter Parker becoming a dick in this movie except me. I don't have an opinion because this is all that went through my brain during those scenes: "Wash that hair. Lose that chin. Wash that hair! THAT CHIN. Hair is beyond washing. Shave it. The chin is showing signs of independent behavior. HAIR! CHIN! Hair exacerbates chin! Rock smashes scissors! Eyes hurt! Brain hurts!--Ugh, I hate when movies show men hitting women. Then again, it's Kirsten Dunst. HIT HER AGAIN, CHIN!"
By the time Venom had Spiderman tied down and Sandman was whaling on him, I was rooting for Sandman. How many direct whole-body blows do you think you could take from a gigantic sandbag? Even if you were blessed with superhuman spider strength, two should be the limit.
Everyone in the audience laughed at inappropriate moments during this movie except me. I was too busy cursing everyone on screen for making me hate their characters and becoming accessories to the murder of my childhood.
I would like to see a cheesy-death-scene-off between William Shatner and James Franco. I'll bet ol' Bill's still got it, but Franco is definitely a contender.
No one in the audience laughed during the Saturday Night Fever-style strut scene. I didn't exactly look around to check but I suspect it's because they were all doing what I was: Wincing so hard my bones ached. I'm still sore today.
I wouldn't piss on Sam Raimi if he were on fire.