Monday, February 12, 2007

I Hate Weddings

--but I just realized, I have to go to one Saturday, and I don't even like the woman getting married. Life is cruel.

So anyway: Pantsuits--completely not acceptable wedding attire? Sometimes acceptable wedding attire? I'm pretty sure you're all going to tell me they are never okay, which means I am going to have to buy a dress, which is going to make me cry. And yes, I can make a melodramatic production out of ANYTHING. Why do you ask?

Speaking of weddings, all I have to say to this is, I never liked when fundamentalists on the right wanted to butt into your personal business and make everything about their politcs, and I don't like it when someone takes a simple request for wedding suggestions and turns it into "should you even be getting married as long as that right is reserved to heterosexual couples?" Jiminy Christmas, SHUT UP. Let a woman get hitched without it being A Thing for just once. Not everything needs to be a motherfucking action item.

Of course, you're free to make everything an action item anyway, but then I'd better not hear any complaining when someone points out that progressives are just as capable of being annoying Butthead Buttinskis as fundamentalists are, and how that like shouldn't even be a valid comparison because fundamentalists are so wrong and progressives are so right so, you know, they aren't equal. To which I say "I think you are mostly right about that, but when you behave in a manner completely indistinguishable from the people you think are so wrong, don't feign shock when the rest of us have difficulty telling you apart." And because I can't get enough of cliches lately, just insert something here about if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, etc.

Just personally, I don't care if you're making my business your business because you hate inequality, or because you hate fornication. Either way, you're in my business and you need to get out.

Damn, but I hate going to the mall. It just makes me so cranky.

UPDATE: Next time I need to solicit your advice more than five minutes before leaving for the mall because, unsurprisingly, it turned out you were all right, and there were very nearly NO skirts or dresses to be had. It's ALL pants suits these days. Did I bask in that knowledge? Did I celebrate it properly by buying pants? No, that would have been too easy. Instead, I dug out the one sweater/skirt combo I could find that didn't look completely ridiculous. Which is not to say it didn't look mostly ridiculous, because--well:

When I exited the dressing room, my boyfriend immediately commenced whistling "On the Good Ship Lollipop," because he's a dick. But he's an at least semi-accurate dick (points off for not realizing that "On the Good Ship Lollipop" is actually a song about airplanes), because the outfit does sort of give off that Julie McCoy vibe. And what's with that cutesy ribbon at the neckline? It doesn't actually untie anything. It's just there to look twee.

Oh, well. If worse comes to worst I can wear it to job interviews for Princess Cruises.


Betty Cracker said...

Well, shit, the only weddings I've been required to attend during the past decade were redneck BBQ and blue-grass band affairs in which SOCKS were considered formal attire. So no real advice to offer. I just wanted to say I feel your pain regarding dress shopping. Just wear the damn pantsuit already.

Sniper said...

If you have a shiny and/orfancy top you can wear it with pants to just about anything. Of course, this fashion advice is coming from a public school teacher, so consider the source.

Just don't buy new clothes. The association will make you hate them and you'll never wear them again.

Julie said...

I haven't worn a dress to a wedding in forever, unless I've been in it.

gennimcmahon said...

A pantsuit is FINE. Just, make sure your bra doesn't show. I just spent five hours at a high school chorus show rehearsal and the bra straps! The bras! Not the little trendy straps--but, the wearing of pink and white and teal striped bras with strapless formals, etc. Egads!

Under no circumstances should anyone be forced to go to the mall. Come look through my closets and closets if you must ;)

norbizness said...

We call this one "An Aerodynamic Vision in Magenta With Racing Stripes."

alphabitch said...

Pantsuits are fine. Hell, the last wedding I went to the bride wore a pantsuit. And it was definitely not a casual kind of affair. She just hates dresses.

Sudden and fleeting illnesses that prevent you from attending such events are also perfectly acceptable.

If it's supposed to be really really formal and you feel like you absolutely have to wear a dress (which is just crazy, I think), consider borrowing one from somebody your size. Or buying one with the intention of donating it to Goodwill or someplace immediately afterwards.

Just don't go to the damn mall. There's enough suffering in the world; you don't need to invite it into your own life.

Sheelzebub said...

Pantsuits are fine. If you have sparkly shoes and jewelery (or top), wear 'em.

Twisted Ovaries said...

Yes, they're fine, totally ok to skip the dresses/skirts at a wedding.

Just please calling them pantsuits, you are not an 80 year-old named Ethel who smells like linoleum and hoards government cheese.

blondie said...

I think your wedding attire can depend somewhat upon your position on the guest-list food chain. If you have some sort of "job" in the wedding, you probably have to be dressier. If you are one of numerous people who got invited because one of the pending spouses once knew you and signed your yearbook or dated your cousin in the 11th grade, and it's pretty obvious that you're getting invited because the couple wants more presents, presents, presents, then you can wear whatever you _____* well please.

(*blank inserted because it's apparently become a sin to swear on the internets, forever disqualifying you from being considered a human being)

Andrew said...

consider borrowing one from somebody your size. Or buying one with the intention of donating it to Goodwill or someplace immediately afterwards.

Could you buy one from a charity shop, then give it back? I realise it may be hard to find a nice dress at a charity shop, but it might be worth a look.

Ron O said...

With a booty like yours...

oops, we're not supposed to talk about that, right?

Anyway, even with an average booty, pantsuits are fine IMO.