Saturday, December 09, 2006

I Interrupt This Hiatus To Say

. . . "Cheetos" has no second "h" in it. No, not even in the singular. You are thinking of the cat. See, when you're bashing on the rightwingers with jokes about how they all live in Mom's basement and type with "Cheeto-dusted fingers," only, you render that phrase as "Cheetoh-dusted fingers," then YOU, not your insipid right-wing target, are the one who annoys. THERE IS NO SECOND "H" in "Cheetos." Even Dan Quayle knows this.

Next week: Why there is nothing inherently rightwing about Cheetos, and why couldn't you pick on Pringles for a change? Or nacho-cheese-flavor Doritos, the smell of which nauseate me something fierce, and I can eat Cheez Whiz without puking, so what does that tell you? It tells me that there is something in those Doritos that is just not right. Anyway, there must be dozens of other snack foods to pick on! This is America. Have you considered pork rinds?

And now let us return to my hiatus. Oh please yes let's, right this minute.

UPDATE: Do not argue with the fat lady. Or with Frito-Lay.

UPDATE II: I had this originally as "no 'H' in 'Cheetos'," even though there clearly is an "H" in "Cheetos," you know, right there after the C? But I was so enraged by people tacking on the second "H" that I--no, wait, that's not it. It's that I'm just that stupid.

UPDATE III: If you enjoyed watching me make an ass of myself this post, tune in next Saturday, when I angrily insist that there is no "U" in "Triscuits."


Anonymous said...

But...clearly it has ONE h in it, right? The whole "Ch" action?

Not to detract from your point though. What I hate is when people pluralize it as "Cheetoes" or "Doritoes". Don't make me associate delicious cheesy snack products with feet.

Auguste said...

The above was not me. Just so you know.

ilyka said...

Oh, crap. There is AN "H" in Cheetos. (There is only one, though.) Thanks, anonymous.

JD said...

It should be "Cheetos-dusted fingers", anyway. There isn't really any such thing as a Cheeto. I don't have a bag to look at, but I bet the full name is something like "Cheetos Cheesy Snacks" or "Cheetos Brand Corn Puffs". If you had to refer to a singular piece, it would probably be more accurate to say, "I'll puke if I even see another piece of Cheetos", instead of "another Cheeto".

John said...

My favorite Cheeto-related anecdote comes from a grad-school friend who used to ride a very crowded bus to the lab. He’s not a big guy. Maybe 5’6”, all of 140 pounds soaking wet. On this day he had to stand. A very, very large human specimen was sitting in the seat next to him and sticking out into the aisle, causing him to make a painful arc around said person’s bulk so he can hold on to the rail while standing and still give 3 inches of personal space. Said super-size human is eating a bag of Cheetos. The bus takes a corner pretty hard, and my friend swings towards the seat. Super-human reaches up and plants a hand on my friend’s so-very-black sweatshirt. “Please don’t fall on me” super-human says. My friend later recounts: “I was maybe 1/3 the bodyweight. What damage could I possibly have done from a 3 inch fall?” He had to say that to everyone he met that day to explain the big orange hand-print pasted on his chest.

gennimcmahon said...

Ever read the story, "The Pear Shaped Man" ? It features cheese snacks, too, and it's WAY creepy. It appeared in OMNI in the 90s, and was also picked up in a couple of anthologies...I'll have to try and dig it out. It'll give you the willies for certain.