Quotorrhea

This is just a straight-up mean post about something that's irked hell out of me for a long, long time:

What the FUCK is it with people who always have to quote Monty Python? And it's not just Monty Python; there was this animated television series once--oh, wait, it's still on? Seriously?--okay, never mind, just tell me, because I'm through fucking around here: What the fuck? What part of "jokes get less funny the more you repeat them" do these people with the neverending quoting of 10-, 20-, 30-year-old comedy bits not get? Law of diminishing returns, that ring any bells? What is wrong here? Why so stupid, humanity? Why?

Hey, remember Seinfeld? Funny show. Gives me an idea: How about if we all sneer and say "Hello, Newman," every time anyone named anything even a teeny bit similar to "Newman" is referenced. Let's do it even when 20 other people in the thread have already beat us to it. Let's ride that elevator to the top. Wait, is that a cheeseburger you got there? Cheeboiga! Cheeboiga! Cheeboiga! Remember that? Oh, it never gets old. No wonder Belushi needed that eight-ball; you try to be high on life with a bunch of loons yelling "Cheeboiga!" at you everywhere you go and then (this is the best part) expecting you to laugh when they do that. "Laugh," I said, not "punch them all in their parroting larynges."

See, what happened was, I was reading this old post at The Poor Man and like a fool, I figured that because the post was excellent, the comments would at least not suck. I forgot something important, though: I forgot that on the internet, you cannot say "crucifixion" without three dozen lonely wanksters piping up to tell you to always look on the bright side of life. I saw Monty Python's Life of Brian . . . um, shit . . . 20 years ago? That sounds about right. I have never watched it since. I haven't needed to, because in the intervening years I acquired a connection to the internet.

And don't start me on Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which I never saw a single scene from until I was 30 years old. That's right, 30. Thir-tay. But then my boyfriend found out I'd never seen it and he insisted, you know, because It's A Classic. And he was right: It was so classic that I knew every line. Every line. Some of them weren't even punch lines. I knew about the fucking flesh wound. I knew about Brave Sir Robin. I knew about the fucking knights who say--okay, I'm not typing that. I refuse to add to the problem. No. And listen, you mention the elderberries, especially in reference to anyone smelling of them, and I ban you. Just try me, asshole.

(That reminds me, although I am not sure why: I'm gonna reach in through the internet and kick the next American who types "whilst" in the kidneys. We say "while" here no matter the tense, you fruity poseur. You didn't read anything "whilst" sitting on the toilet, unless you were in fact sitting on "the loo," in which case you were probably sitting on the can in the United Kingdom, in which case you may not even be American in the first place, in which case, can't we just deport you? Americans should not do anything whilst. We declared independence to get away from that shit.)

But back to the Grail: Sure, a smart man would have concluded, "This woman spends too much time on the internet and working with nerds if she can quote from Holy Grail without ever having actually seen Holy Grail." Instead he kept going out with me, and now he lives with a woman who owns truly shitty movies like Hot Shots! Part Deux*. But give me this: I don't QUOTE from it.

What I concluded from the whole deja-Grail experience is, all y'all nerds need to find another hobby besides memorizing Holy Grail, and memorizing Season 4 of The Simpsons instead does not count as "another hobby." Shut the fuck up with The Family Guy, while you're at it, and you can put that Reservoir Dogs DVD back on the shelf, too. I've never seen Reservoir Dogs either. Because, again, why would I need to? I have internet.

I live with a reformed habitual Simpsons quoter. You know how he got reformed? I reformed him. I reformed him by becoming a red-hot castrating bitch every time he started to hit me with the quotorrhea. You recoil! You are appalled! You say I'm always being too mean to that guy! And you are right on that last count, but nevertheless what I say is, living in a Simpons-quote-free household is a hundred times worth losing your respect over, because there is only so often I can hear "When I was seventeen, I drank some very good beer," before I have to grab a dude by the secrets, look him in the eyes, and hiss, "No more, motherfucker." This is not something I do intentionally. It is a reflex.

The only problem with my cure is that it is impractical to apply to the entire internet.


*Look, it was like $5.94 or something at Wal-mart. I will buy almost anything for $5.94 at Wal-mart, because I am a whore who hates Kuraltian America.