Sunday, August 13, 2006

Pray for Me, My Brothers and Sisters

This can't end well.

I don't know why I keep thinking I can do things like this, I really don't. I am a brunette. I am a brunette with Caucasian brunette coloring. I have eyebrows so dark they're almost black, I have eyes as dark as coffee beans, I have cheeks too flushed to work with FIRE ENGINE RED.

I never learn, though. I see a box of something like this on sale and it won't leave me alone.

"Buy me."

"I . . . I want to . . . but I can't. I'm sorry."

"Listen, I'm not on sale for half-price every day."

"I know!"

"And redheads have more fun."

"That's blondes! They say that about blondes. All they say about redheads is that they're very temperamental."

"You're very temperamental. It'd be a good fit, don't you think? Make the outside match the inside?"

"Quit buttering me up like that. I've been burned by your kind before."

"That's because I'm fiery."

"Shut up! Stop it! We're not having this conversation. I am not talking out loud to a box of hair color in the supermarket."

"It's just you and me, baby. C'mon, take a chance."

"Take a chance of looking like a freak."

"A freak? Or a bold, brash, Titian-haired beauty?"

"KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE NANCY DREW REFERENCES! I know what you're trying to do."

"Baby, please. I just want to make you happy."

I am seriously the only person I know over the age of thirty who's completely codependent on haircolor. A woman is supposed to grow out of this. I'm supposed to be choosing tasteful shades that will approximate my natural hair color and cover my grays by now.

I just. Never. Learn.

UPDATE: You know what don't lie? Shakira's hips. But also, L'Oreal Prefernce Number RR07. Because this shit is RED.

Trust me when I say I didn't tweak a single color setting on that photo at all. It's that red, people. Until the light hits it, and then it's copper.



belledame222 said...

lighting the candles (mentally) and chanting.

I bet it'll look nice, though.

anyway, the boxed stuff can only have so much effect on dark hair; at worst it'll probably just give a red sheen to your brunette-ness.

Darleen said...

Oh heck, I'm a brunette who never colored her hair until I got one of those chunks of gray around age 40 (when the daughters stared driving...coincidence? I think not!)... I did the "tasteful" stuff, but then I went red for a while.

Have fun! :-)

(when it fades, treat yourself to a hairdresser with excellent color sense... they can make you red and make it look awesome!)

Ron Sullivan said...

Buy Chris Clarke a bottle. He needs to spend a month as a redhead. (Get him one for the beard, too, cuz he should be so lucky.)

Rob said...

If you do it, do we get to call you "Red"?

Craig R. said...

one time I was roped into helping a friend put red color into a friend's hair.

By the time we finished, it looked like I'd been working in a slaughterhouse...

ilyka said...

Buy Chris Clarke a bottle.

He's a hippie, Ron; can't he just steal one?

ilyka said...

If you do it, do we get to call you "Red"?

Nah, let's save that for the naturally redheaded.

Ladibugg said...

That is a gorgeous color! I am totally in love with red hair. I would kill to have hair the color in the pictures above. I don't have the balls to try it at home, though. But I am totally going to buy a box of that and show it to my hairdresser.

Redheads do have more fun, especially if you put in green contacts and then hang out in Irish pubs.

John said...

Look at it this way, Ilyka, at least it will go away, unlike a Kanji tattoo that says "Crazy Diarrhea":

Chris Clarke said...

I've got nothing against having long red hair flowing over my shoulder. I'd just rather it be growing out of someone else's head.

margi said...

Oooh, I love it! My dark roots are showing; time for more Chocolate Cherry. Heh.

Natalia said...

Hey, I'm a dark-blonde who dyes her hair red occasionally, and you know what, I've learned a long time ago that a stylist is always better than something that comes out of a box. Of course, I can only afford a stylist once every six months, what am I saying?

But the colours look great. Trust me.

Beth said...

AIEEE!!! Now I wanna dye my hair red!

I've done reddy brown, but not quite auburn before. But never red and I've always wanted to try it!

Janette said...

Oooh, pretty ilyka! I'm jealous. I'd try it but I'm light blonde, I'd end up pink or orange and I'm too old to carry those colors off with any class at all!

ilyka said...

Now I wanna dye my hair red!

And let's not forget those fringe benefits, right?

Helen said...

Dude, that last pic? That color is THE ONE. I love it.

Makes me want to go back to being red, if it weren't for all that, you know, work and stuff at keeping it that way.

Kenneth Walsh said...

Bring back Cleo!!!!!

(I'm still Fag ...)

ilyka said...

Bring back Cleo!!!!!

I have my school picture from that year, you know. I could totally scan it in.

Buuuuuuuuuut I'm not going to.