Taking a break from obsessive sewing, I wandered over to Pandagon and found this entry. Clearly, Amanda has it covered the issue well. As a corollary, though, it raised one of the key issues I struggle with as a feminist and, somewhat paradoxically, the house bitch.
There was a point in my life when I was a single, welfare mother. I’ve talked about how some of that affected me here, and there was even a point where I did not live with my two older kids. A cursory examination of my life would say that I am not one bit feminist; at least if you looked at the circumstances. I wanted to be married more than life itself from high school onward. I got pregnant at 20, and got married before the little bundle of joy arrived. I left my marginal job (having already dropped out of college) to stay home while my husband “supported” us. He wasn’t very good at it, so I wound up going back to work when the firstborn was six months old. Then the second pregnancy came along, my employer fired me for being pregnant, and my then-husband quit his full time job and dropped out of school and started an affair with a teenager. Said affair wasn’t revealed until years later, but it was the reason when, after our second child was born prematurely, he walked out on us in the middle of the night declaring that he had never wanted to be married in the first place. I had to move in with my parents, who were not supportive at all, and I went back to school.
During that time, I finished my BA in three years, and started graduate school. I borrowed around $35,000 in student loans to make it work. I arranged everything so that I was home with my kids as much as possible. I began to power out that graduate degree, working as a Graduate Assistant and at my church as a Sunday school teacher. I juggled all of that with an abusive boyfriend and a family that regularly rang me up to tell me what a terrible job I was doing at everything. Cue the nervous breakdown, my flight away from it all, and re-marriage to my current husband.
When I returned home to pick up the pieces and face the music, it was a long road. I was a pariah in a small town, hated by my kids’ friends’ parents, their teachers, my family, etc. I put my little family back together, fought an expensive custody battle, bought a house and had my third child. At that point, I was making every bit as much as my husband. But I left that job after two years to stay home with the baby, and to be home for the big kids who were in middle school. Around that time I finished my Master’s in Public Administration, a terminal, working degree that began collecting dust before the signatures on the diploma were dry.
Since then, I have been the house bitch. I do all the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the child juggling.I don’t hate that; I do it willingly—whether purely personal preference or one of those things where cultural conditioning has overwhelmed my ability to resist. My husband’s salary is now more than what we were originally pulling in together. In the past few years, I’ve sidelined at little things; real estate (briefly), Ebay, and now I’ve committed myself to art, and trying to get established as both a pop-surrealist and a fiber artist. Art doesn’t bring in money at this point, it costs money. And it keeps me up at night that I have no financial power in my marriage. My husband always claims that it’s OUR money. But, seriously, it isn’t. If he gets hit by a bus tomorrow, or leaves me for someone else, I have nothing to fall back on. I would lose everything if it got ugly. I wouldn’t even be able to pay my first husband the lousy $43 in child support I’m obligated to pay each month.
Hence, I would assert that there is no way for the traditional arrangement of Man=Wage Earner and Woman=Mother/House Bitch to be egalitarian, no matter how we dress it up with phrases like “our money” or "community property state." I am a feminist, but I am aware of where I am not practicing it. I have always believed that there should, at least, be national health insurance and major tax breaks to acknowledge the fact that someone has to take care of the kids, and I know that my husband would happily assume that role if I had the chance to replace his income with one of my own. But I’m also not feminist enough to admit that he could mother the kids as well as I can.
Amanda’s entry refers to this article asserting that marriages in which the woman makes more are often more stable. I can understand that; underlying everything in my life is the knowledge that I need that income stream that my husband generates. It makes all dynamics unequal; sex, dinner, chores, everything. It would be easy to solve except for three things---my kids, whom I want to be home with. At least, I want to be home when they’re home, which still greatly limits my employability. Will I ever, as an artist, make the kind of money my husband does? Not likely, and certainly not with any consistency. It remains a dilemma that I cannot solve, trapped as I am by competing and oppositional desires; to have financial equality and stay home with the kids. I’ve got no solutions for that, but it’s something I wish to talk about further as I try to determine my place in the feminist community. Meanwhile, I listen to that Paula Cole song that says, "I'll do all the dishes if you pay all the bills" and nod. That's pretty much the deal I've made.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
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14 comments:
Wow! Way to plow your own road and let them eat your dust!
I just now posted on housework too but from a different angle. I make the most and make lots of demands for equality, but generally speaking very little actually gets done around the house. I sometimes fantacize about putting the house up for sale and giving it a good cleaning! Or cleaning it and taking a picture to show people, then letting it go back to it's natural state of turmoil.
I've known couples who share money, and it seems to work, looking from the outside in. But I'm not sure how they make that happen. When I lived with a guy who make twice my salary, we still split all bills 50/50, so he lived high on the hog and I lived in povery, barely scraping by. That was just weird. But I think if we had done it any other way, I would always feel like I owed him something. And that would be worse for me. (I'm not saying the lower-earner does owe anything, just that I would have felt a certain amount of debt to him.)
This is a tricky one.
But if you're solely responsible for all housework, it seems to me that should someone be paid labour beyond food and board.
whether purely personal preference or one of those things where cultural conditioning has overwhelmed my ability to resist
The conditioning has been a huge factor for me. I think I've written already about how much it's screwed up my ability to enjoy my time off (no fun, no fun 'til the house is clean! Immaculate! Shining from top to bottom!), but there's also how long it took me to start letting the boyfriend help. That's really dumb--here I've got a fellow who's more than happy to help and it's only been the last year or two that I've relented enough to say, "Okay, you know what? You DO mop the floors better than I do. Knock yourself out." It's especially stupid given that he's the poor grad student and I'm the breadwinner, right?
The economics of it all is a whole 'nother issue. On the one hand, I guess if we had kids me working from home would theoretically be something I could continue. But I say "theoretically" because even though it's work-from-home, the only way I make a dime is if I park myself in front of the computer and type like hell consistently, and I understand that sort of uninterrupted productivity is maybe not so easy to achieve with munchkins about.
Lots of food for thought here, but right now I have to get back to that uninterrupted typing I'm supposed to be doing.
This is a tricky one.
Truer words were never, Sage. Definitely.
"When I lived with a guy who make twice my salary, we still split all bills 50/50, so he lived high on the hog and I lived in povery, barely scraping by."
This is my current situation (although he makes more like 3x what I do), except I don't feel so poverty-stricken, just extremely limited. And he doesn't live "high on the hog," he just has way more options and way more security. So how did you deal with any feelings of resentment/jealousy that arose in that scenario? Did you have them? Because I do, but I love the guy, so I don't really want this money disparity thing to kill my relationship.
-Amy
The thing I see missing from the post is the fact that if HE is a feminist (and I believe he is), then the money really IS a shared asset, and the division of labor is compensated as a function of the community property/community responsibility dynamic. I'm not naive enough to believe that "if we're hungry, love will keep us alive" (Eagles), but I do believe that two feminists living together as husband and wife (or in whatever manifestation) have a shared philosophy that values both parties' contributions. Money is just one facet of it (sex is another, housework is another, etc.) It's a partnership, right? If he were to be hit by a bus, I'm betting he's insured, and that you're the beneficiary. I think you're more OK than you think you are. If I were you, I'd toss back a good bourbon and worry less. But that's just me.
Conditioning is...wellnot everything, but it's alot.
My husband's Dad came home every Friday and handed his check to his wife; they had 4 kids, and that was just how it was done in their family. Like in "How Green Was My Valley".
My husband does the same (hand's over 100% of his earnings to me), even though we both work and at various times each has earned more than the other. When he wants to buy something for himself, he asks me if he may have some cash.
Like I am the.....what's the right word.....the dictator of the money? THe Grown-up?
I have told him many times he doesn't have to approach it this way, that it's BOTH of our money, and that he doesn't have to get his purchases approved by me. But it's his conditioning. It is how he feels comfortable, it is part of what he thinks a Good Man does.
And I do 99.9% of the cooking. CAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY MOM DID!
Amy, I did have strong feelings of resentment. Especially because we split the grocery money and he weighs twice as much as me and ate steak to my vegetarian meals. That's just so unfair. I dealt with it by shoving it deep inside until I exploded, and he left. So I don't suggest you follow my lead on that one.
But if you resent the set-up, I'd discuss the disparity with your guy to see if you can come up with a different arrangement. It's difficult in that stage where you're not quite prepared to enmesh all the finances (if that ever happens), but you also don't like the uneven distribution. From each according to ability and all that jazz.
Does he already do things to even it up a bit - like pay for dinners out or trips, etc.? That might be a way to recognize it as more equitable.
Good luck with that.
Seriously, if things are split 50/50 financially, but the woman is doing all the house bitch work in addition to working full time, then that split isn't fair. That's where Twisty usually starts talking about marriage as indentured servitude for women. Maybe then the expenses should be split 70/30---to compensate the woman for the other work she does for the household.
The overwhelming question to ask, then, now that I've invoked the Spinster Aunt even before I've had my coffee, is can marriage even be fair to women?
Sage,
Thanks for the advice. I'm sorry that your relationship had to end like that.
Yeah, I requested a percent distribution prior to our moving in, but in his mind only 50/50 was "fair." He won, of course, because his money gives him more leverage. And we really do split everything else evenly. Sometimes he pays a little more for dinners and food and whatnot(and we eat about the same amount and type of food), but we're talking dollars and cents. I suppose I'll benefit if he does buy that high-def tv, though. There's not really much that can be done besides my trying to be more okay with the situation. Just providing another example of money/relationship struggles.
Indeed marriage can be indentured servitude in certain situations, and that's a scary thought. But at least in a marriage there is some security, financial and otherwise. I fear for the unmarried SAHM's and those living off one partner's income to whom they aren't legally married. No financial security there.
-Amy
Admittedly, I have a rep for "being too hard" on my spouse. My mother and grandmother routinely call to check the status of his emotional health. Is he overwhelmed by housework? Is he chained to the washing machine? (Only on Friday nights) But seriously, as I nod my head in unison with Jesser. If society is ruling your marriage with its interpretation of sexual politics than I can see feeling powerless and disgruntled. If you are in a partnership with someone, a friendship, a relationship, isn't it the same as all othe intimate relationships? You do for eachother. You both put in and out. Issues are discussed and eventually a somewhat arbitrary resolution is reached. Or not. My mother and grandmother can't understand that my husband parents the children and cleans the house and does the laundry. I explain, he helped create the children, shits in the toilet, and sullies his clothes, etc. but always to no avail. And I don't know what all this means in a feminist perspective BUT there is NEVER a moment that I don't know that everything I do house-wise and kiddo-wise is UBER valuable. We are after the money together to provide for our life. I make it possible for him to go out and get the money. I dunno...I would never think I wasn't valued or not valuable or my sweat was worth less his.
Absolutely, anonymous, it's uber-valuable. And, if he walks, baby, you aren't getting squat. My very good attorney costs $275 an hour. I wouldn't have the funds to pay her to get my fair share, and our state, like most, isn't so generous in the child support arena. We can depend on the mythology of romantic love and friendship, but that doesn't put bread on the table or money in the bank. Relationships are amongst the trickiest of maneuvers, yet we put our faith in them to hold up our financial futures. The question, ultimately, is what you're comfortable gambling with. That's where I am; I'm not sure I like the risks I've exposed myself to by making the choices I've made--nor am I sure that my marriage benefits from the imbalance of power. I'm equally unsure as to how to get it back into a balace that puts me on equal footing in hard, cold reality.
Anon, my current guy's mom was horrified at him taking a year off work to stay home with the baby. She was terrified at the ramifications it might have on his career. I also took a year off. Nobody blinked an eye. Standard.
I think marriage can be equitable, but I do hate to trust romance to keep lasting enough to stay home full time. I think I fear the servitude thing enough to never be able to allow myself not to work enough to support myself and all my kids. I tell my female students: don't think you can have a baby once you find a secure partner, wait until you find a secure job. I'm making them jaded before their time(or just cautious).
And I'm giving you guys an award for all that you do here!
I've been married for 10 years to a man who brings in about 1/4 of my income. Well, now that the kid is in school he does. He stayed home with our child until she started kindergarten.
We caught a load of flack for that from the traditionalists on both sides of the family, even though it would not have been possible for me to stay home due to the income disparity and even though we all agreed that the best thing for our family was for the kid to be home with a parent instead of in day care from infancy. Fuck 'em, we said. It's our life. No regrets.
Anon's comments on the nature of partnership resonated with me: I honestly do not think my greater earning power entitles me to senior partner status in the relationship. Together, we make decisions, and we make it work. And I certainly didn't expect my husband to do all the cooking and cleaning when he was a stay-at-home dad -- fer crissakes, he was running around after a toddler all day and working a lot harder than I was in my dreary office.
Still, I understand the angst. My mother was a struggling single mom when I was a kid, and I think that's one thing that made me vow that I would make enough dough to be comfortably independent as an adult. I would feel vulnerable without that, even though I love and trust my husband absolutely. It's a sticky dilemma.
As for the Spinster Aunt's views on marriage, I mostly agree with her even though my own marriage is the happiest and most egalitarian partnership of which I am personally aware. In general, marriage tends to be a raw deal for the woman, and even when it isn't, it lends support to the patriarchal construct that fucks up so much of life.
"The overwhelming question to ask, then, now that I've invoked the Spinster Aunt even before I've had my coffee, is can marriage even be fair to women?"
I keep thinking "yes, there must be a way", but when I read about a situation like yours, I'm stumped.
My partner and I are about to get married, and this is something that we have talked about A LOT, since right now I'm a graduate student who makes very little money, and he's a professional who makes much more.
One of the ways in which we've helped alleviate the situation is to discuss how, even though we have no desire to go there, it is possible that our marriage may end for some reason or another. If that happens, we both need financial security, and we need to do whatever is necessary to make sure that we both have it.
Of course, I suspect that this is simply one of those topics that is going to need to be continually renegotiated between us. Talking about money is tough and very personal, and doing it in the context of a romantic relationship (especially in a society oppressive of women) is even more so.
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