Friday, October 20, 2006

The List

People I, Fartles von Biscuitbrain, am totally going to sue just as soon as I complete my undergraduate degree, take and ace the LSAT, get accepted to a good law school, complete my Juris Doctor, pass the bar exam, and begin my eminent practice of Teh Law:

1. The Glimmer Twins. Fartles has never cared for "Under My Thumb" or "Brown Sugar," if you must know. Also, they use a pseudonym.

2. The Walrus. What's that? He's dead, you say? Think again, for I have discovered his true identity, plus I know where he lives.

3. That Jon Swift smartass. Who do you think you're fooling, Jon? That is only the most unserious and undignified handle in all of blogdom. Really.

4. Is George Eliot still alive?--Well, fiddlesticks. J.T. Leroy, then.

5. Forksplit. I'm going to wait until her book comes out and then sue her for not living up to my expectations.

6. TBogg. Sure, he gave up his real name already, eventually, but he shouldn't have ought to have made it so difficult, is what I say. Plus, Fartles isn't really a dog person.

7. Gerald McBoing. While it certainly is a very convincing-sounding name, I'm just not pleased with Gerald's Brangelina obsession. Fartles finds Brangelina totally lacking in dignity.

8. Whoever wrote Primary Colors. Again, even though he's out, Fartles really resents having to wonder about the true identities of others, even for a second. Fartles has better things to do, like bring the Lexus in for detailing. It's overdue.

9. Deep Throat. Again-again, it just took too long for him to come out. Wait, he's dead too? Well, see? This is what happens when YOU DON'T USE YOUR REAL NAME, kids.

10. Sting. Do I even have to state a reason? He's Sting.

Stay in my good books, people: Use your real names. Remember, I'm only about 20 years away from being able to sue you into the ground.

UPDATE: Fartles has just been informed by Fartles' life partner (sorry, antiprincess :( ) that one need not be a practicing attorney in order to sue people! So Fartles is suing all of you who did not divulge this information to Fartles, thus enabling Fartles to look foolish in public.